I am going to remove most of my boring communities from LJ and maybe find some good ones. I am sick of little girls showing off their clothes and pretending that buying the latest $400 dress, they have more style than the rest of us. Where are the REAL people? I know this is a cliched post but you know what, sometimes the cliches work better than anything else. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my kitty. I miss having a sense of direction (last seen in primary school some time). I miss meaningful conversation and meeting people who I don't instantly hate. To fill my days I SHOULD be painting and writing and making music, but for the most part am whining about not having hard drugs to fritter the time away with.

Existential crisis? How many of those can you have?

ARGH. And I keep getting sunburnt.

 Well, here begins the next big chapter in the saga of Neko. I'm leaving home, flying from the nest, crawling out of the womb, and so on. And I managed to inform my mother of the fact without too much of a stir - thank the Lord! I'm scared shitless, and unbelievably excited, and a little bothered by just how much stuff I'm going to have to move! Good god I've accumulated a lot of crap over the years - got to decide what to do with it all. Anyways, longer post later, gotta go pack some shit up!

Wish me luck, and don't come looking for me at number 33 anymore :D

 I've decided I'm getting my act together and leaving for a bit of a road-trip start of next year. I picked January because that gives me a few months to earn some money, make some plans, and spend time with friends and family for Christmas. I'm hoping to save $10 000 in the next couple of months, but that might be expecting WAY too much from myself, I don't really know. But if I can save that much, I can buy a van, a tent, other necessary stuff, and have backup cash for if our plans go to pieces and so on. Ideally though, I want to be working while I'm travelling, making art, playing music, and finding places to stay where work isn't such a priority too. February might involve building mud-brick houses with David's uncle, which would be really cool. I desperately want to meet new people, learn skills, explore life, try things that are new and challenging, get away from the need for material goods, learn to live simply, etc etc.

I met a girl at the bus stop today who commented on my clothes, saying she used to wear old-fashioned lacy stuff like me when she was a bit younger. She's a textile artist, and is planning to go walkabout herself, working on organic farms. She showed me this book she has which lists all the places in Australia where you can go to work picking fruit and such. Gives me hope!

 Dear God,

Please forgive me if I murder my mother. I know it's a sin and all, but, like, she's asking for it.

K thx bai.

First day of feeling really awful for some weeks now. Doing everything I can to stay positive, keep up my energy, do the right thing, enjoy myself etc etc... but when you're being bombarded with other people's problems after a night of NO sleep, reflux and nausea, it gets difficult. 

Please God please, whatever, whoever, however you are, can you help me to understand why this goes on? And more importantly, can you give a helping hand out to the poor soul who calls me in anguish because his mind betrays him and his friends can't understand, and who wants nothing more than to be able to act like 'normal' people, because then maybe he wouldn't accidentally hurt the people he cares about.

Oh god, I don't know what to write, I feel like I'm at the end of my tether... so tired, but I've got to get up, clean the house, move on. My only sense of hope is that I can call one of our mutual friends and have a really serious chat about stuff, and maybe she'll understand. I just want SOMEONE to talk to, so that I don't feel like it's him against the world and just me trying to prove to everyone that he's not the demon he comes across as, but that he has a lot of demons inside him, tearing away at his heart and making life near-unbearable.

God help him, help them, help me. I don't know what to do next.

New blog posts at wordpress ^_^

Check them out, or be forever known as 'the one who doesn't know about Totoroscafe'.

http://totorocafe.wordpress.com/

Upon regognition that the box of Tiny Teddies (unlike my desire to give Tiny Teddies away) contained finite contents, and that by giving them away there would soon be none to share, I thought of a solution:

"Would you like a bear?"
"Oh! What's that? Ooh Tiny Teddies! Yes please!"

I hold out the box.

"Here! There's just one rule though, before you eat the bear, you have to understand the bear".

A pause.

"Hmm... one of those kind of bears is it? No thank you lass! I steer clear of them".
"Okay!"

I walk onto the dance floor, listen to the music and watch the dancers for a while, until one approaches me.

"Are you alright? Would you like to dance?"
"I'm fine thank you. Would you like a bear?"
"A Tiny Teddy? Well... actually, I'd love one!"
"Here, take one".
"Oh, can I?"
"Sure! Only one thing, first you have to understand the bear".
"Understand it? May I have two?"
"Of course! But you still have to understand them first"

A pause.

"Well, ok, I'll have one then", and she reaches into the box and takes out Cheeky. Eats the biscuit slowly, and enjoys it.
"Thanks so much sweetie! You're so lovely!"

Another guy took four bears, but he ddid't understand them, he just wanted them. He gulped them down and his tongue searched for more, unsatisfied. I left, apologising for his misfortune.

A girl who didn't eat any dinner took six. She understood. Six was less than a normal dinner size, but it was wonderful all the same.

Some weren't hungry, and kept on dancing.

And I'd walk off into the dark to join another conversation, dance another dance, and offer another bear or two. And you know what?
when I got up in the morning, there was still half a packet left. They'd lasted all night long. 

True story!

 Name: Neko
Age: 21
Gender: girl
Sexuality: flexible.

How long have you been smoking? Three years?
What do you like best about being high? Everything is more entertaining.
How often do you get high (seriously)? About half the week... 
Does everyone know you are a stoner? Not EVERYONE... only other stoners :P

Random Questions.

Which is better being drunk or being high? Being high, definitely. I just get sick when I drink.
Why? Being high is awesome. I hardly think I need explain.

What do you think about most when you are high? I get a lot of hilarious and intriguing visuals on just about anything, and in general my imagination goes crazy, so I'll usually be thinking about some sort of far-out scenario that amuses me, preferably something that involves breaking some laws of physics or something. I'm a nerd, and when I'm stoned I'm a double-nerd.

The last time you were stoned, what did you think about that you didn't say out loud to anyone? There was this old guy in front of me at David's gig, and he was trying to dance flirtatiously with all the women. I was thinking about serious things to stop myself from laughing at him.

What is your favorite thing to smoke from? Joints ^_^

Are you high right now? Not right now... have to teach in a few hours so I'm trying to be vaguely responsible. I've taught stoned a few times and it's kind of difficult, I just end up wanting to listen instead of teach :P


Finish the Sentence.

"This one time I was so high and..." went to King's Park with the boyfriend. We were on this big long flat grassy bit and saw these people approaching from about a kilometre away. As they got nearer, they kept appearing and disappearing so that we had no idea how many people were in the group or what they looked like, and then, maybe we were being paranoid but it seemed they all stood around us and took photos. Creepy...

"The stupidest thing I've ever done stoned was..." Did a little dance, did a graceful twirl, and fell into my boyfriend's strong loving arms in an elegant finale. Except he didn't realise I expected him to catch me, and walked away, so I fell gracefully onto the floor and bruised my hip. 

"I got caught/almost got caught this one time and..." realised not all cops are nasty.

"That giant tree looks like..." it could be hiding a secret underground network where the illuminati live.

"Holy shit, man. I'm soo high..." I want to go touch that duckling, but I think I'm glued to the floor. Help me!

Well I have to say, whoever decided to make today cloudy and dull and shitty deserves a right knock about the head. It's supposed to be the beginning of Spring, a symbol of new life, new hope, optimism and love. Hard to feel optimistic though when you can't see the sky, and it's too cold to enjoy a nice walk. Still, I suppose I shouldn't complain. The sunny days will come soon enough, and when they do, I'm sure it won't be long before I'll be begging the gods to bring Winter back. I'm forever dissatisfied!

Keeping me in high spirits are a team of hard-working specialists including but not limited to:

- Randall Munroe, of XKCD, whose comics make me laugh and think at the same time. Even when they're about calculus and I don't understand them.

- My pretty clothes. I WILL post some pictures of this outfit soon, my camera is just charging up! I know it's such a girly thing to say, but wearing nice clothes makes me feel great. And when I wear clothes like these, I feel like I'm less human and more fictional character. My English Literature teacher in year 12 told me I looked like I'd just jumped out of a wonderfully illustrated book. I like to think I can conjure up that image from time to time... even if some people just think I look weird :P

- COSMOS magazine. Borrowed a bunch of them from the library yesterday and am having a ball reading through them. Feel like a total nerd, but hey, it's not like I ever denied it! There are some amazing articles in those magazines, though I must point out my science-magazine-pet-hate: they talk themselves up so much it's surprising they're still here on Earth. The latest exaggerated claim I read was something along the lines of, "Tasmanian Tiger Brought Back To Life" - which turned out to be, upon deeper reading, a short article explaining how DNA from a Tassie Tiger specimen had been used to grow back a fragment of mouse DNA. Or some such bollocks. Don't get my hopes up like that guys!

- The lady at the bakery. I don't know your name, and you don't know mine, but that doesn't matter, we have lovely conversations every time I buy your bread. It cheers me up, just like a baker should.

I could go on... but I won't bore all my multitudes of readers.

Lol I can hardly even joke about that, I wish some more people would read my boring blog. I'm an attention whore and I'm feeling neglected.

 So... short girly post just to say WOOOO I finally have corsets and pretty shoes, and a way to wear my GLP dress without it looking shit like it usually does. So I've got an outfit for Lucy's 21st, I just have to look around and see what silver accessories can go nicely with it. Thinking of maybe doing silver/pearl/white so I can wear long white gloves, and the necklace Lucy gave me for MY 21st. Sure I have a billion things to go with it. When i get it all sorted out I'm going to post photos. =)

In fact, I'll take some photos of all the new stuff I've bought recently. Considering I've been spending so much money on material goods, I should at least make as big a deal out of it as possible! 

In other news, I have a cold, and I'm supposed to be applying for a bunch of jobs. Ought to be doing that now in fact, but I don't actually WANT a job, so I'm going to have to think of inventive ways to apply that will ensure I DON'T get the job, whilst also having a bit of a laugh. I have to apply for ten new jobs every fortnight if I want to keep getting this unemployment payment, which seems rather a lot... and mum keeps bugging me about it... blah blah blah... 

No news that I can really be bothered writing about.

 God I am sick to death of waking up panicky. I love you prozac but this is just so annoying. Cold sweats, panic, inability to DO anything because I'm so busy feeling shitty for the first three or four hours of the day...  Driving me insane... On the bright side, a little update for everyone:

Mushrooms are my favourite illicit substance at the moment. So much fun! They take away ALL my doubt about whether I might be good at something, and replace that doubt with SUPER POWERS. Seriously, I become capable of stuff I normally cannot do, maybe because usually I just don't believe I can.

Friday night was great - party at a friend's, lots of drinks, cones, meeting people I hadn't seen since highschool and gettling along, impromptu jamming on keyboard, marimba, electric guitar, classical guitar, and drums made out of those giant cardboard rolls for newspapers. If that makes sense. Great costumes too! And great walks throught the cemetery at 3am.

5 hours sleep...

Saturday morning: Leave Tom's house after a cup of coffee and the realisation that Tom is not going to wake up before I want to leave. Decide to walk home. 11 kilometers and three hours later, I'm feeling like the insides of my shoes are made of sandpaper and my feet are screaming at me. I hate my feet, but I LOVE long walks. Lots of time to ponder and spend time with the world. The walking through King's Park was the best bit. Went past some sort of memorial service, and heard the Last Post played plaintively, resonating through the park and giving the walk a meditative yet eerie feel for a while.

Got home, can't remember what I did for the next few hours - probably complained about my feet a whole lot. Looked at some homes open in our area for no real reason, felt shitty about big houses with no one in them, then jumped on a train to Joondalup. Nice train ride - I think I spent most of it half asleep. Met David at the station and he took us to Don and Cals, where a house-painting busy-bee was just winding up. He'd done about half the house - finally we've found an outlet for all that insane energy! :P Anyway, party was getting started. No drinks 'cause I was feeling sick, but made up for it with cones, then pills, then MUSHROOMS, which I bought from a hilarious guy on Friday night. The night seemed to last for ages, made up of playing Guitar Hero World Tour (with super-powers, I can play the bass on expert, AND sing, AND play the drums... wonder how real music on 'shrooms would be...), making the men salivate by trying on lingerie with the girls, having an unnecessarily dramatic breakdown about my body and how much I hate all my scars, then more fun! Went home around two, spent some time with David at his place - still buzzing - had amazing but confusing sex, watched Rage, passed out around 4ish.

5 hours sleep...

Sunday: Got up at 9.30, found myself in a weird cleaning mood. Decided to clean David's whole house. Managed about four rooms - it took me ALL DAY. There are some parts of his house that I think have NEVER been cleaned, so it was great to get them looking a bit more presentable. Next time I'm over, I can actually USE his bath! Before, it was filled with dust, sand, dirty and damp clothes, plastic wrappers, etc etc etc. Seriously, that bathroom was disgusting. But it looks awesome now. And it made David a happy chappy because I got hot and cleaned in my underwear. Wore myself out, went home about 4ish, slept from 4.30-6, then had dinner with mum and the neighbours. Tastiest orange and almond cake EVER. Then Lyndon turns up and we go out to find a coffee shop that's open on a Sunday night. Ended up in Scarborough at the Dome there. Did our usual Totoro-toting resteraunt critiquing for our new blog (http://totorocafe.wordpress.com/). It's going to take a little while to get the blog up and running though, because the process of photo uploading and thinking of hilarious things to say is a long and strenuous one. Hopefully by tonight the first critique will be up there. 

Anyway, that was the weekend. Now you see why I don't have a job - weekdays are for sleeping after insane weekends. :-P

Hope everyone is fine and dandy!

Just a few photos/pictures to fill up your friends' page and annoy you =) The first was taken at a nearby park where a parrot decided my cake was worth sitting on my head for. It was very cute, and I don't blame him at all for stealing it when I wasn't looking. It's called ORGASM cake, for fuck's sake.

 
Orgasmically good.


This one is at David's, as far as I can remember I'm playing along to the Pink Floyd Live at Pompeii DVD, 'twas much fun.

I AM a rock-star.

This one is the Nativity by Robert Campin, only the colours are a little trippier :P Got this awesome colouring book of great masterpieces, so you'll be seeing more of this sort!

Jesus is a green alien baby!


This one was kind of an idea of a friend's, and as soon as I heard him say it I knew I'd have to draw it and eventually put it on a shirt.

Shield wins.


The other night I was down at the beach looking at the stars and wishing 'they' would come take me away. Feeling quite unable to live in the human world at the moment.

(The drawing is kinda shit but it's the thought that counts right?)

Well there you have it folks! This is what you get when you're unemployed and a little insane.

 Last night was intense. Intensely good, intensely bad, intensely confusing, intensely profound. Started out at my house - mum was at a concert so three friends came round and we had some dinner, then two of them went to get mushrooms. When they got back, we were sitting at the table chopping up some weed and we'd just eaten the shrooms when mum got home. The guy chopping up ran into the bathroom with the bowl of weed and stuff to hide from mum, and I think it JUST worked. She looked pretty angry but I think that might just have been because I was socialising AGAIN lol. Anyway! We left as quickly as possible and drove up to King's Park where we spent the next few hours.

It sucked that I was stressing about my mum - I thought she might have seen the weed or something - so a fair bit of my consciousness was stuck back at home instead of enjoying the high. But all the same, I climbed trees, I lay on the grass, we wandered through the park until it seemed as though the landscape had flattened out into one strange plane, where the only way you knew you were going uphill was that it was harder to walk forwards. When I sat down I felt like I was a little droplet of water on the ground, and I could see more than my eyes should have been able to. I frequently forgot where I was, what I was standing/sitting on, who I was with, what I was saying, etc. I had a million amazing thoughts, and now I can't remember them :(

Anyway, after a while we were all getting pretty cold so we got back in the car and drove to one of the guys' houses, where we were going to hang out for a bit. But by then I was panicking a bit about my mum and just wanted to go home. The guys didn't really pick up on how upset I was - or maybe they just didn't care - but the friend whose car we were in refused to drive me home, so I had to catch a taxi and I couldn't even think straight enough to make the phone call. I was in tears by the time I'd called three times and still not got through to anyone and the automated system was screwing up. Luckily one of the guys, who is a truly wonderful person, came with me in the taxi and comforted me while I sat there crying my eyes out, feeling worthless and empty and ashamed and frightened. But always with a little glimmer of hope... I got that when I was feeling upset when I took acid, I felt unbelievably distraught, but there was still something in the back of my mind that was saying, 'it'll be ok, you're being looked after'. Maybe it's God, maybe it's just my mind. Either way, it stopped me from losing the plot completely.

Trying to get to sleep was a futile endeavour. I lay in bed for hours feeling sick and not being able to stop the torrent of thoughts rushing through my mind - bits of conversation, little ideas, big ideas, worries, hopes, plans, images, fantasies, all coming into my head at such a rate I felt I was being attacked from all sides. A few times I thought about getting up and taking a Seroquel to put me to sleep and stop the trip, but I couldn't get up, I simply could not move my body and find the tablet that would put me at ease. So I just waited till I eventually fell asleep, and then dreamt strange dreams all night. Waking up in the morning was a great relief - finally I had my mind back, and while I don't regret the experience, I was glad to be able to look at things and know what I was seeing was closer to what everyone else was seeing, if that makes sense. Still felt sick and tired all day though!

In other news, went out for coffee with a couple of other friends, and found it really frustrating. One of them has become so shallow lately - she acts as though the stuff she does comes from her deep-seated beliefs, but I know her beliefs are only skin-deep. There's no substance to her and she strikes me more and more these days as mean-spirited, shallow, untrustworthy, and above all, ridiculously self-centered and arrogant. I was gritting my teeth through everything she said. This is the price I have to pay for thinking about the world, thinking about the way we live and the way we relate to one another - I can't just gossip like she does. It hurts.

Blah blah blah... ugh, also feeling a bit shitty because I didn't tell David we were taking the shrooms because I knew he'd want to come but not want to do the driving involved, so he'd end up feeling shitty about it either way. But I hate keeping things from him :( I want to talk to him about it all but I can't. I wanted to share the experience with him. Maybe I should have waited for a better time. I need to learn some impulse control :S

Goodnight!

Just a quick one to say that everything's going really well. I'm back on my meds and it's making such a difference, suddenly anything seems possible =) Same with David, he's coming out of his rut and I've had so much fun with him the last few days, playing music, watching nature documentaries, going out for tasty meals, reading together ^_^ I'm hoping I can take the next step and really get some of my ideas happening soon, it's just so hard to know who to even talk to about all this stuff, and what sort of plans I should be making! Everything is so new and scary, but it's exciting too, and I feel like life has meaning again.

In other news, it's FUCKING COLD. I can't wait for spring, when I'm sure everything will feel like absolute paradise. I'm can already see in my mind's eye all the beautiful trees with their new leaves, the flowers, the blue sky, the baby animals... This spring will be amazing, I'm sure of it.

Love, hugs, peace, hope, all that stuff to all you wonderful people! 

 Just feeling great :) Looking forward to everything the future has to hold.

 Well, all sorts of things have been happening in the world of Neko the last week or so, all sorts of wonderful things that make me think I might be finding my calling and am about to do some wonderful things. It seems like everything has just fallen into place so that I can finally do the things I'm meant to do.

I started my medication again, and it's given me the energy and positivity to try new things, to see the future as full of hope instead of despair, and to take unfortunate circumstances in my stride. I still wake up every morning to a strange panic, but I breathe deeply and let it go, and I can move on from it to enjoy my day. Anyone who ever said that antidepressants are useless should just take a look at me. =)

On Saturday night last week David and I went to a friend's house and took ecstasy and generally had a great time. Felt truly relaxed and wonderful. Found myself sitting cross-legged on the floor by the wood fire, talking about spirituality, about our place in the universe and how we can find enlightenment. I felt as though I had something to offer the world for the first time in a long time.

Sunday morning we maintained our altered state of consciousness, so to speak, and after a delicious breakfast at Matilda Bay we made our way to Neil Hawkins park where we went walking for five or six hours. As we walked I started to feel that perhaps I could live my life as a teacher and a sort of spiritual guide. I need to find a new word for what I want to do, because I feel as though it's not so much that I'd tell people how to live so much as help them find their own calling and meaning in life. 'Facilitator' came to mind, but something about that word makes me think of business seminars, and that's the exact thing I want to avoid! Something along the lines of 'Encourager' maybe... though that sounds WAY too hippyish... it feels right though, in both the general and the literal meaning of the word. I want to give people the courage and the strength of heart and soul to do what is right for them and for the world. And now I feel as though the world WANTS me to do that.

All sorts of little signs keep popping up around the place, as though the world is trying to tell me, 'YES! You CAN do this, you SHOULD do this, and you're being watched over and helped out'. My mother had a lady come and stay for a few days over the weekend and I had some interesting conversations with her - it turns out she lives on something like a hippie commune in Byron Bay, and so I talked to her a bit about that. She said I can come visit if I like some time. I was driving through Subiaco the other day and was behind a car with the number-plate "Renew" and an ad for a bottled water company which read 'Purify yourself'. Meaningless on its own I suppose, but these things all seem significant now. Most important of all is the way my mum reacted when I told her I felt drawn to an alternative lifestyle. I thought she'd tell me I was being stupid and need to get a real job and so on. Instead she is encouraging me to follow my dream and is throwing information at me in the way that she does when she thinks something might be a good idea. Oh, and on top of it all, I have my faith back!

Since a friend gave me a beautiful silver crucifix for my birthday, I've felt the presence of God with me again, and a strong yearning to follow Him and live well. It's as though all of a sudden I'm looking at the world through new eyes. It feels amazing, and I only hope that I can honour God's will and make something noble of my life, something that makes the world a better place.

Wish me luck everyone! I'm not letting go of this dream!

Oh, and lots of love and prayers for all you people who are struggling to find purpose and happiness. You CAN do what you want, find what you need, be who you want to be. =)

 Got bored on msn last night so we decided to write a paragraph each of a detective story. Didn't get far before it sort of disintegrated into silliness, but it was fun :D Also, would have done more but his internets kept fucking up :S

 I went to church this morning. Have been going intermittently for a while, once every month or so, but not with my heart in it. I'd been looking forward to going all week though, and getting there today was top of my priority list. I felt a strong calling to be there, and it brought me peace, happiness and focus to sit and listen and pray. I'm so grateful that God is here for me now, even though I turned my back on him before. With God's help, maybe I CAN get myself out of this rut I'm in and do something good with my life.

The speaker was Ian Barnes, a lecturer in ethics and technology at Murdoch uni, and he talked about the global economic and environmental crisis and how we can find hope in what seems like an insurmountable problem. I was glad to be there because he talks intelligently, emotionally and passionately, whilst still managing to come across as gentle and mild. His words about 'soft power' in particular really meant a lot to me, as I've been feeling like my idealistic dreams for the world were being crushed by cynicism, and it was good to hear that someone else shares the hope I have that people can work together and support one another for a better future. For the first time in years, I've felt a real calling to do good in the world, whatever that might mean. It occurred to me that it might be the right thing to go overseas and do aid work somewhere, but the thought scares me shitless, I won't pretend otherwise! I've only been overseas once and it was cushy and easy. I feel like I've never really done hard work in my life and it would be frightening and depressing and exhausting. But I can also imagine that it would be life-affirming and encouraging to see that good work is being done and that I can be a part of it. Hopefully I'll be able to find an organisation I could work with or something. I don't have any skills though, nor any money, so it could be hard.

David sounded keen too! I wonder if it would be possible for both of us to go overseas and work somewhere doing something meaningful. Maybe it could be the answer I've been searching for?

Oh, and I've started on my anti-depressants again. David and I are both making a huge effort to get our lives back on track and be happy. I think the meds are starting to work already. This morning I actually started to feel relaxed and genuinely happy, and it crossed my mind that I could stop trying to be perfect and just enjoy being the joyful, energetic, bouncy person that I should be and have been in the past.  I was letting darkness take over and I didn't even realise it. Now that I can see it, I'm not going to let it happen again. I'm going to do all the bright, cheerful things that make me feel good - make music with friendly people, tend to the garden, cook meals and tasty snacks for friends, play with the cat, read books to kids!

It'll be good for David too I think, if I can be happy again. He's SO sensitive to my emotions it's incredible, and I know it makes him happy to see me smile - he says my smile makes everyone happy! If I can bring a bit of lightness back to him, and to the rest of the world, I'll feel like I've done something good. 

 I don't care how disorganised and shitty my life may or may not be right now. I'm too busy having little mindgasms over finally having my turntable up and running, and being given a 30th anniversary special edition of The Dark Side Of The Moon, complete with a bunch of awesome posters and stickers ^_^. David got shitty at me for being overexcited and obsessive, so next time he gets me an awesome present I'm going to pretend I don't care. Ha!

Also, I'm glad to have discovered Dada Records in town, their range is awesome and the prices are pretty good. AND the guy who served us yesterday was hilarious. Totally spaced out. He was trying to write the price in his receipt book and just stood there for about thirty seconds looking dazed and confused. I'd feel sorry for him if I didn't suspect he was just stoned. He looked like that kinda guy. Hell, he works in a record store, it's not too much of an assumption to make, is it? :P

In other news, I'm looking forward to making next week an activity-free seven days. It's been great to catch up with a bunch of people and to be going out a whole lot, but I am SO ready for a break. I'm a shy person at heart and it's a lot of effort for me to get out and socialise, weak as that may sound. Not saying I don't enjoy it, but I come back from a day out with friends and I feel like I need to spend the next day sleeping, which doesn't work out too well when I've actually got stuff to do. 

Speaking of which, I really need to hurry up and get my uni stuff sorted out, and apply for some more jobs, and sort out my birthday party, and call centrelink, and, and... oh god, the list is so long I just want to ignore it all. But I'm trying to be good and get some of this stuff out of the way so it doesn't turn into a bigger problem. I've been getting so ridiculously anxious lately, so I want to avoid making things worse if I possibly can.

Glad I'm feeling a little more grounded now than I was at the beginning of the week. I went to the concert hall to see the Australian Chamber Orchestra on Wednesday night, and despite it being one of the best performances I've heard in a long time, I still found it difficult to concentrate on the music, I was so busy worrying about things and feeling dissociated. There was a moment when I felt like I was sinking away from my body and getting lost somewhere; I had to pull myself back to reality and do my best to focus on the music instead of my worries. I'm glad I managed it to a certain extent - I would hate to have missed it. Even though I do feel that the ACO cheated a bit by making the program three sextets, and only sending six members of the orchestra. Cutting costs maybe? I hope that wasn't their justification.

Anyway, in a few hours I'm heading over to my brothers to watch the new Hayao Miyazaki film Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea, should be good! Tomorrow I'm off to the wildlife rehabilitation place in Malaga to feed some animals and such, then having lunch in town with a friend, then there's a party at another friend's... Sunday I might have the day at home if I'm lucky, then dinner out with friends again... I really just want to spend some time at home doing some art and playing some music, but people get so offended if you decide you don't want to hang out with them this one particular time. Frustrating!

Right, I'm going to go listen to some records and drink tea. It's just the right weather - rainy, dark, cold, windy!